OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
