Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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