He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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