When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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