I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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