He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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