She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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