I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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