I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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