Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
