i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
