I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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