I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
