I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
