So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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