okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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