woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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