There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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