Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My vagina just recognized that song.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
