if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
