Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
