mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it's like heaven, but drunker
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
