I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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