someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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