I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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