He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
