It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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