she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
