I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Drunk is a universal language darling
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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