There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
