This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
