SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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