Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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