Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So squirting runs in the family.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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