Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
