I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
