I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We are all done wearing pants today
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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