She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
