i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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