saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
