If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
