Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
