I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Even my vagina gasped.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
