The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
