Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
