Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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