U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
high people should be assigned attendants
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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