The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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