Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
