did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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