I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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