better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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