Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
