he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
