Sacagawea was the original milf.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
All the doctor said was why
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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