cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Randomize
