We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
