i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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