I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
