This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
