How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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